The first day we were home with Mack after the hospital, I woke up and got ready like usual. Makeup done, hair brushed, and got dressed like usual. The only difference from before, it was just a little off-routine. I woke up a little bit more tired, it took just a little longer to get dressed with healing stitches, there was a baby-feeding session half way through my makeup, and we were a few minutes late out the door because I saw my postpartum belly in the mirror and literally got sick. I watched myself in the mirror go white as a ghost as I wondered if I would ever feel normal again.
7 weeks later, here I am. Still wondering if I will ever feel completely normal and human again. A body goes through so many changes and your life gets flipped completely upside down when you have a baby. The one thing that made me feel human while in the hospital, and afterwards up to this point.... Is putting on my makeup. My hair may be a tangled mess or thrown up into a messy bun, my clothes probably have spit up on the shoulder, and I probably haven't shaved my legs in a week, but I can walk by a mirror and feel decent because I at least took 8 minutes for myself to put makeup on. And I feel better.
My version of a successful day is makeup done, dressed for the day, beds made (why is it that life feels so much more in order when your bed is made?) kitchen cleaned, dishes done, pillows upright on the couch, laundry done, everything orderly in the nursery, Garbage taken out, a happy bathed baby wearing clean clothes, dinner planned out, mailbox checked... I think you get the point.. I feel totally out of order when these things aren't done.
Those are homemade pumpkin chocolate chip cookies on the stove. That's me making pasta dinner with a cheese sauce from scratch, and that's a happy sleeping baby on the front of me. I'm dressed, my makeup is done, and I was feeling so successful.
On the other hand, I often need to remind myself what success is. I remind myself it's okay that my hair is frizzy, or that I have the same shirt on as I did yesterday. The couch pillows might not be orderly and ya know what- I didn't make the bed today. I may have had a screaming unhappy baby all day that I catered to rather than doing the dishes or baking cookies from scratch. In fact, I may be starving and realize I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch. I need to remember that sometimes it's okay that I'm still in my sweatpants when Spencer gets home and I've left the dishes in the sink because that's not what defines a successful day.
A successful day is waking up and loving my child. I may not have my to-do list done, but I've changed multiple diapers, fed baby 8-10 times a day, wrapped him up tight and rocked him to sleep when he was upset. I've kissed him a few extra times and I let him sleep in my arms even when they were tingly and numb from not moving for so long. I've taken a deep breath and smelled fresh baby, and thought to myself I hope I never forget what he smells like. I've admired his itty bitty fingers and toes and perfect little ears. We've cooed and talked about our days and I got a big gummy smile when we made eye contact..
Today I spent a little extra time taking it all in.. Because Mack isn't going to be tiny forever. I've spent my day loving him, and that means I was successful.